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A
Suicide Story
by Karyn
Cladwell |
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On Wednesday, December 8th, 1999, a few minutes
before 7pm, my mom was driving me to my youth
group. We saw my friend Jeremi who was walking
to youth group, so we picked him up. When he got
in the car, he said "Did you hear about
Corey Cook?" and I said "umm, no...
what about him?" and I just had this
feeling like I didn't want to hear what Jeremi
had to say about Corey. But he said it anyway,
he said "He hung himself" and I just
couldn't believe it. It felt like someone had
just kicked me in the stomach, and my heart
started beating really fast, and really hard. It
was so unbelievable. Corey was not the type of
guy that anybody would have ever guessed that he
even had anything WRONG with him! It just didn't
seem like that could really happen!
Well
I know that sometimes when people hang
themselves, the don't die, so I asked "did
he die?" and Jeremi said "yeah".
Well, then my mom dropped us off at the church,
and I was still in total shock. You know that
feeling where you can only think "Oh my
gosh, this can't be happening, oh my gosh, oh my
gosh, oh my gosh!!!! No!!!" well, that is
how I felt. Then we walked in, around the
corner, and I just started bawling, and Jeremi
turned around and hugged me. I can't even
explain how I felt then. It was such grief, such
despair, it just hurt SO much, but I still
couldn't bring myself to totally believe it.
Corey had so much going for him, he was an
awesome guy. Everyone liked him, he had so many
friends, and he was so popular.
I do
remember thinking that it seemed like a bad
dream, but I wasn't waking up. It was just
awful. I cried for about a half hour after that,
I couldn't stop thinking about it, it was the
only thing on my mind. It really made me think.
I realized that if we could lose Corey like
that, we could lose anybody like that. It would
be so easy for anyone to take their life, just
like that. All my friends were trying to cheer
me up, and I just couldn't understand how they
could be so cheerful. A few of them told me why
they weren't crying: "Life goes on!"
they would say. I knew it was true, but I didn't
feel like going on at that moment. I only wanted
to sit and cry.
Well,
after a while, I started playing basketball with
the guys. It was fun, and it took my mind off of
Corey for the hour that I played. I actually had
fun, and was smiling and laughing! So, when
youth group got over, I felt a little better.
But it still hurt A LOT! I still felt totally
shocked and I was in disbelief. It was just so
weird. I couldn't imagine that he could be gone.
Well, my brother picked me up, and I told him
about it, but he didn't know Corey, so he wasn't
really affected. But on the way home, he had
some music playing, with a line in the song that
kept repeating "death is not the answer,
death is not the answer" and I just burst
out crying again, and my brother and I talked
about it the whole way home, and after we got
home. By the time my parents got home, I wasn't
crying anymore. My dad didn't know yet. But my
mom told him later. My brother asked me if there
would be a funeral. I didn't know yet, since it
had only happened that morning.
A
couple of days later, on Friday, there was an
obituary for him, and it said his funeral would
be the following Monday, along with a viewing
and grave side service. My brother said he'd
take me. The only bad part was that I had to get
out of school to go. Oh well, I wouldn't miss
that for school! Well, that night, I didn't even
want to go to sleep. It felt weird being alone.
It wasn't any different when Corey was still
here, it's not like he was in my room every
night when I went to bed, but I just felt this
absence. I felt so alone. I don't know why. But
I cried myself to sleep. I actually cried myself
to sleep every night for the whole week after
that!
But
anyway, the funeral was nice. My friend Sheena (Jeremi's
sister, she's my age, Jeremi is older than me)
went to the funeral with me. We both went to the
viewing, and started bawling as soon as we saw
him. It was so weird. He didn't look like
himself at all. He looked.. just so different.
You could tell that he wasn't really there.. it
kind of looked like a store manikin that looked
just like him laying there in the casket. Sheena
and I were both crying so much, we had to leave
the room. So we went into the chapel where they
were holding the service. A lot of people were
there. The chapel was filled, and they had to
use the gym, which was filled too. It was a nice
service. They had two people from my church talk
about him. They said a lot of funny things about
him. Corey was a jokester. They told about a lot
of pranks he played. I laughed, but I also cried
a lot. It was kind of like the realization was
finally hitting me that he's actually GONE and
never coming back! That was why I cried so much,
it's like I was finally accepting that fact.
After
the service, we all went out to the cemetery
where his dad dedicated the grave. That was when
I cried the most I think. It was like I was
leaving my final connection to him. I didn't
want to leave. It was SOOO hard to leave. It was
like that was finally fully accepting it. I just
didn't feel ready, but I knew I had to. It was
hard, real hard.
So
after that, I went back to school, but Sheena
went home. Back at school, I couldn't
concentrate on anything, and I just felt like
crying, only nothing would come out. I couldn't
cry, I just couldn't. So.. I went home... and
felt soo depressed. I don't ever remember
feeling so depressed. I felt like I would never
be happy again. I didn't know what to do, so I
changed into my pajamas and laid on the couch
with a blanket for the rest of the day. I cried
myself to sleep that night too. I think that day
was when I cried more than ever.
But... a couple of days later, I started slowly
getting over it. On the next Thursday, I didn't
really even think about it at all. It just
didn't pop into my mind hardly at all. I was
amazed at how much happier I felt! I know that
I'm not fully recovered, and I am in no way
moved on, but I feel so much better, because I
know that life WILL go on, with or without
Corey, and I am comforted by the fact that I
will see Corey again someday.
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