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I
never thought about killing myself; it just
came, kind of like catching a cold. One minute
you are fine, and the next you are sick.
Whenever people would talk about suicide, I
would think to myself, “I would never do that.
Why would someone want to do something so final,
so stupid?”
For
me, I just wanted the pain to stop. And it got
to the point where I was willing to do whatever
it took. I am 16. I spend the summer with my mom
and during the school year I live with my dad. I
feel like an inconvenience to both of them. At
my mom’s I have no room. My mom isn’t there
for me when I need her because she always has
something more important to do. At least, that
is how it feels.
I
was having trouble with my friends. In their own
words, my problems were “too much” for them.
The intensity of my pain scared them, like it
did me. Oh, yeah… did I mention my boyfriend,
John, had dumped me that day? He said I had
become impossible to love. What was wrong with
me? Why is it so hard to love me? Why is it that
when it gets hard, everyone bails?
I
was alone. All I had were the voices in my head
telling me I blew it, I was too needy, and I was
never going to be loved once someone really got
to know me. I felt that I wasn’t even good
enough to be loved by my own parents.
When you are really hurting, you fell
like you can just call the person and tell him
or her how much it hurts and they’ll say
“Oh, I didn’t mean to hurt you; I will be
right there”? Well, I called and I was crying,
and I said how much it hurts, please come talk
to me. He said he couldn’t help me… and he
hung up.
I
went into my mom’s bathroom and took a bottle
of Tylenol PM, some tranquilizers and a couple
of pain pills I had left from an injury. Soon
the pain would be over.
I
will spare you the gruesome details of what
followed. It was a whole new kind of pain.
Physically, I puked until I couldn’t move.
Emotionally, I was more scared that I have ever
been. I instantly thought, I DID NOT WANT TO
DIE! Luckily for me, I did not die. But I hurt
my body (my stomach still aches). And I scared
and hurt a lot of people and myself.
It
has been a month since that night. I have
laughed at least 500 times, many of those real
“pee your pants” kind of laughing. I have a
new friend who has gone through some hard times
herself. My intense feelings do not scare her,
and we know what it means to “be there” for
someone you care about. Oh, yeah… I met a guy.
He is really sweet and he knows “my story.”
We have agreed to take things really slow.
Life
gets really hard sometimes and really painful.
For me, I couldn’t feel everyone else’s love
because I had forgotten how to love myself.
I’m learning now- learning how to accept,
forgive and love myself. Pain does
go
away, and happiness is on the other side.
Although the pain comes back, so does the
happiness. It is like waves in the ocean coming
and going.
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