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Suicide is a subject often taboo to mention, and
one that's likely to get a mixture of reactions
from people, its not something I tell most
people I meet. In the past, I've overdosed four
times and ended up in the hospital having my
stomach pumped. I have tried the toaster and the
boom box in the bath tub, it doesn't work, I
don't recommend it. It’s not worth getting
hospitalized for a psychiatric reason. A
psychiatric institution is kind of like prison,
although I have never been in prison. They tell
you when you can eat and where you have to be
when. You have no privacy. If I wanted to shave
(I am a guy), I had to have someone with me, to
make sure I wouldn't hurt myself. If I wanted to
use my acne
cleanser pads, the nurse had to give them to me
and watch me use them because they have alcohol
in them and some people would try to suck on
them, just to get their "fix" of
alcohol. Shoe laces are not allowed until they
think you are no longer a danger to yourself. So
no shoe laces in anyone's sneakers or shoes. You
have to go to group therapy, even when you don't
want to. It is very regimented.
For a long
time, I've lived with the comfortable
"emergency exit" trap door in my mind,
marked with "Well, if things get too bad, I
can always kill myself." At a particularly
low point a couple of years ago, I fantasized
daily about hanging myself. It was the final way
out. The knowledge that I didn't have to put up
with the daily grind and pain of my life if I
didn't choose to, was sort of a comfort.
I'm not going
to advocate anything to you here, one way or the
other. I have no right to do that. Nor does
anyone else have the right to give such
directives to another person. I am just talking
about my own experience, because maybe someone
will read this who feels suicidal sometimes.
If you're
feeling suicidal, and don't want to feel that
way; you know that the feelings are due to the
pain, isolation, healing, or whatever you're
going through, and you want some pointers and
things to hold on to, to help to pull you out of
your despair, then I suggest you go to a support
group and hear what they have to say. You will
realize when you are with other people who have
been very depressed that you are not alone with
your feelings.
As for me right now? Well, I see a shrink and am
in group therapy now. I like the people in the
group and their attitudes. But I'm also still
here, alive, taking antidepressants,
with no definite plans to kill myself at the
moment. I have a partner, who is a very large
part of the reason why I want to stay alive -- I
really don't want her to feel the pain of my
death. But that doesn't mean that the emergency
exit has been sealed up. I just try to live my
life one day at a time and I often find that I
do get pleasure out of life, from simple things
and I am glad to still be alive."
UPDATE:
From Jerry, age 21
I’m still here on this planet. I’ve got a
new job that I like, I still see my shrink --
without him, I think I’d be lost or dead. I am
on medication which does help me a lot (it works
for me, not pushing it on anyone else). I’m
glad to be able to tell you that being a teen is
so difficult at times, I was very close to death
at one point, but I’m really happy to still be
alive. Sure, I have my moments of 'darkness' and
doubts about myself and my future, and then they
pass, thanks to some unknown force. Good luck on
your journey. If you are feeling really down,
call a friend; just keep trying something.
http://www.coolnurse.com/suicide.htm#story
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